By: Kimberly Grant

What the heck did I just watch?  Seriously, I almost can’t even tell you.  I’m going to explain to you the reason why you should and shouldn’t see Megalopolis.

Megalopolis will be opening in theaters on September 27.

Prior to screening this film, the audience was treated to a Q&A with the film’s writer, director, producer Francis Ford Coppola, along with his friends Spike Lee, and Robert De Niro.  It’s the same Q&A that has Hollywood buzzing about De Niro’s comments on former president Donald Trump.  While I agree with De Niro’s assessment of Former President Trump, I don’t think that Coppola is any better in his ability to create something with structure in the current state of his career.

Let’s Dive In

According to 85-year-old Coppola, who didn’t seem to be able to carry on a complete thought while being interviewed for the Q&A, he came up with the idea of the story for Megalopolis over 30 years ago.  The premise of this hard to pronounce movie is a Roman epic that’s set in present-day America.  With today’s powder keg of a political climate, he decided incorporate current events in his story, which was re-written many times during rehearsal and filming of Megalopolis.  Coppola believed so much so in this film that he sold his vineyard to finance the estimated $100 million budget for the film with distribution help from Lionsgate.

“Today is Rome and (America) is about to go through what Rome did that resulted in a loss of the Republic,” Coppola said during the Q&A.  “With our creative gifts there’s nothing that we can’t solve….  It’s time to talk about the future.”  With powerful statements like that in my head, I settled into my seat to watch Megalopolis.  When the final credits rolled, I was left with the feeling of relief that the movie was finally over.

Two Hours & Eighteen Minutes of Weird

Even though Megalopolis is only a little more than two hours, I felt like I’d sat through 10 hours of a bad movie.  In the story (read: fable), the city of New Rome is in conflict because Mayor Francis Cicero (played by Giancarlo Esposito) is locked into battle with Cesar Catilina (Adam Driver) over the rulership of the city.  Mayor Cicero wants to keep things status quo and panders to the working-class people who are his constituents.  Cesar is an idealist who has created a special metal called megalon that he plans to use to build a utopia in the heart of New Rome; after imploding a perfectly good building.

While Cicero and Cesar are vying for power, Cesar’s cousin Clodio Pulcher (Shia LaBeouf) decides to run for mayor himself and causes chaos in his quest for power.  Where it gets weird is that the film doesn’t really have a beginning, middle, or end.  It’s just one scene after another strung together with lengthy, Shakespearean monologues from Cesar, random plot elements that don’t add to the story, and weird antics from the cast of characters who are seemingly caricatures of historical Roman figures.

There are statues that move of their own volition that’s not really explained.  Although, knowing Coppola’s thought process for the film, they probably represent the death of justice and democracy for the American people; just an educated guess.  Mayor Cicero’s daughter, Julia (Nathalie Emmanuel) tries to defend her father by working for Cesar, then falling in love with him.  (I know that makes no sense.  Like I said, this film is weird.)  Clodio, who is reported to sleep with his sister Clodia (Chloe Fineman), spends most of the film looking like a cross-dressing rock star with terrible hair.  Cesar’s ex-girlfriend and resident media personality, Wow Platinum (Aubrey Plaza) is the only normal character in the film; and she’s one of the villains.

Is Francis okay?

Yes, the film has a prolific writer/director and a stellar cast yet it’s really bad.  I actually feel bad for the other stellar actors in this film who were forced to try their best in their craft, but fell short due to a very weak, confusing, almost ranting plot.

Laurence Fishburne waxes poetically in various parts of the film as Fundi Romaine, Cesar’s driver/bodyguard/assistant.  Fishburne is an amazing voice talent who was forced to say lines that had a lot of big words, but didn’t mean much.  What good is a central message in a movie if the audience doesn’t understand it?

Jason Schwartzman plays one of Cicero’s advisors, Jason Zanderz.  Jon Voight plays Cesar’s uncle and Clodio’s grandfather Hamilton Crassus III.  Random side note: Hamilton is good at pretending to be a feeble old man.  James Remar plays Cesar associate Charles Cothope.  D.B. Sweeney plays Commissioner Stanley Hart, who does Mayor Cicero’s bidding at every turn.  And, Talia Shire plays Cesar’s mom Constance Crassus Catilina, who may have had a stroke in the story.  Constance is incoherent for most of the film.

Like I wrote before, the only interesting character in this film is one of the villains: Wow Platinum.  I’m not a big fan of Plaza.  I usually find her characters to be offensive.  While Wow is an offensive character, she’s more relatable than the rest of the cast.  It’s almost as if everyone took their acting direction from Coppola and Plaza decided to do her own thing.  Honestly, Plaza is one of the few reasons that I was able to stay seated during this film.  I almost walked out a few times.

Why You Should/Shouldn’t See This Film

Plaza’s role in the film isn’t the only good thing about the movie, which is campier than genius and plays like a series of bad dreams starring Kylo Ren.  If you twisted my arm to say something nice, I would say that the costume design of the film is stellar.  The Roman-inspired styles on the men and women are spot-on.  Milena Canonero did a wonderful job and understood the assignment.  And, that’s where the praises end for this film.

Nothing makes sense in this movie.  There are moments of campy-ness that are downright laughable.  There’s no way to take this movie seriously.  There’s no real plot.  And, the best way to see this movie (if you’re not willing to take my word for how bad it is) is to watch it after you’ve had a drink or two.  It seems like one long rant by an old man who took some pills and watched CNN for a week straight, then made a film.  It’s also hours of my life that I can’t get back.  Watch at your own peril.

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You can read more reviews on my Entertainment Blog.